Liquid and Distractions

So it's been a bit of time since I posted. I've been either a) tired or b) traveling (which makes me more... tired). Honestly, the fatigue is slowly getting worse and worse, yet at the same time I feel almost normal at other moments. Higher highs, lower lows.

I was able to get home to Massachusetts for Easter to see my family (distraction #1 of this post's theme). However, the flooding in Rhode Island (liquid #1 of this post's theme) overtook the Amtrak train tracks and forced the cancellation of service. This left me all packed with no way to get there! Fortunately, my father re-booked me on a train to New Haven, and then drove 2 hours from Mansfield to pick me up there. We were sure that by Sunday evening, service would be restored. OF COURSE NOT! So we made the same 2 hour car ride back to New Haven so that I could catch the train home. I'm so incredibly grateful to my parents for all their support... not just for driving me long distances, but traveling those same distances themselves every two weeks to take care of me after each treatment. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them, or how I can ever repay them!

Their care for me after each treatment brings me to liquid #2 of this post... Oh, there was vomiting... AGAIN. I took the benadryl and the usual nausea medicine, which the doctor assured me would stop the shaking and vomiting that I had with treatment #5. The shaking didn't happen... and I was certainly very sleepy. But, oh, the vomiting! Every 30 minutes from 130PM to 600PM. As the afternoon went on, I did stretch it to every 45 minutes or so. After a while, I just gave up on counting the number of times. Fortunately, I was so sleepy from the benadryl, that after each session, I'd clean up, and immediately lay back down and fall asleep (distraction #2, albeit medically induced). I'd awake 30-45 minutes later with about 5 seconds to realize "oh, here we go again!". I would yell out "help" and my parents would come running in to hold the trash can, rub my back, hand me tissues, and replace the plastic bag lining when I was finished. I just gave into it this time, and didn't worry that it was happening. I got through each "attack" soon enough, and was back sleeping again. And eventually it all stopped. I kind of feel that somehow that's what this whole cancer process is like. Rough patches, sleeping in between, and eventually it'll be over.

And so, all this left me dehydrated and undernourished again. Unlike last time where this caused me to panic, I simply committed myself to drinking and eating at a steady pace, as much as I could handle without getting sick again. The line was drawn at scrambled eggs... but I managed to get down some toast and crackers before then. In order to properly rehydrate, I set my alarm for every two hours (12am, 2am, 4am, 6am, and 8am) and got up to drink something (liquid #3 of this post). By the time Saturday morning came, I was significantly more hydrated and energized than last time.

I also discovered that distractions can REALLY boost my energy. Heather, my best friend from Fairfield, and her fiancee Darrell, stopped by on Saturday evening en route from their home in DC to CT (clearly, distraction #3). I paced my naps so that I would be energized for 330, the time she was set to arrive. Of course, she didn't get here until 530. By then, I was REALLY fading. However, something about seeing her suddenly gave me a new boost of spirit. My parents commented that they'd never seen me so energized after a treatment! They stayed for about 3 hours, and I was like a different person the entire time! Of course, about an hour after they left, I came crashing back down. But they certainly helped to boost my spirits and made the weekend much more enjoyable!

To curb the vomiting for treatment #7, my doctor has advised me to take the same anti nausea medicine an hour before the treatment (even though for earlier treatments I took it at the time of injection and had no problem with vomiting). I'll ask for the benadryl again, so that even if I do vomit, I'll be out of it enough to just get it over with and pass out again! I also didn't have shakes this time, so maybe the benadryl did really help! But no matter what, I've proven to myself that I can endure harsh reactions to the treatments, and that each symptom will eventually pass. I need to continue to mediate on that, keep my eyes on the prize, and just keep going.

In his memoir about his own battle with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, comedian Robert Schimmel shares a story about his father marching as a Jewish prisoner of the Nazi's during the Holocaust. He says that the prisoner marching in front of his father fell down and refused to keep going. The Nazi soldiers shot him and then told the rest of the group "If you want to live, keep moving". I've been thinking a lot about that lately.