Ok, It's Been A Long Time

I know it's been a long time since I posted. Have you ever fallen behind on something? Meant to watch those episodes of that TV show that are building up on your DVR, but just never really got around to it? Were really into the flowers you planted in April, but by August you never water them anymore? Haven't gone to the gym in two months, and the thought of going back again seems difficult... so you just keep not going? Yea, that's what happened.

Things have been good actually. We finally found a mix of drugs for pre-medicating that makes the treatments bearable. I haven't vomited, or run a fever, or shook uncontrollably for either of the May treatments... which is a great improvement. But oddly, with the treatments now easier, it feels like something is missing. That's probably because all the medications together cause me to black out for large periods of the treatments weekends... so hence, parts of my memory are actually missing. It's a great thing to not suffer, or to not remember it if you are suffering... but it still leaves an odd void. I think it's why so many people with bipolar disorder choose not to take their meds... there's something about swinging high and low that's preferable and makes you feel more alive than just flat-lining in a sedated haze... as difficult as those swings can be to handle. I never really understood that decision before now. Similarly, some women in labor choose not to take the epidural. Why would you choose to feel the pain when you could be numb and get to the same end?

Don't worry... I'm not going to stop taking the medications anytime soon. I know it's ridiculous to go back to rocking in bed with extreme nausea trying not to vomit... and remembering all the excruciating hours of it.

But just because the treatments have gotten easier doesn't mean the journey has gotten easier. I've become much weaker physically, mentally, and emotionally with each treatment... and that continues. This blog began light hearted and humorous, and I now realize that was my way of coping at that time (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) But I don't really have the energy or the mental state anymore to continue it. I'm in a different place. Not that I've lost my sense of humor/attitude at all... anyone who has hung out with me in the past month knows it's all still there, and that May has been a drastic improvement over April. But I just don't have the original desire to share as much... to dress things up humorously and entertain those who care about and support me... to help them see I'm doing ok during a difficult time. That takes an energy and an outlook I somehow lost along the way.

I only have 2 treatments left... which is awesome and exciting! Time really has flown by! Yet, something weird has happened now that I'm approaching the end. When I was a kid, I would play video games for months and months until I got to the last level/boss/challenge... and then I would stop. My brother always made fun of me for never completing what I'd spent so much time working on. When I wrote papers in college/grad school, I always wrote 90% of them, and then stopped. Once I felt the argument (the meat and potatoes) of it was done, I lost interest. Obviously I needed to turn in a full paper and wanted an A, so I forced myself to finish them completely... but the key there is, I forced myself to do it. The same thing is happening now. I should be thrilled to be so close to the end. Yet, I realized that I've gotten comfortable with the routine of cancer treatments... with the schedule of bouncing back each time... with how people treat me... with my identity as someone on this journey. Believe it or not, it's scary to actually have it end and enter a new unknown... even though that unknown is a healthier, happier lifestyle and exactly what I've been working toward for months. But I know I have to force myself to face the next challenge: the 4 weeks "break" that I get before radiation. No routine... no weakening... but yet still not 100% better or "old Ryan." I don't know who I'll be or what my days will be like. But I know that just like the challenge of the past 5 months, I have to face this one with the same courage and determination. It's odd to call a period of relief after a lot of suffering a "challenge", but it is.

So that's where I am right now... finishing up a phase, but not really good at finishing things... most likely because I'm always scared of the new unknown that comes after. I really don't think I saw this phase of the treatment process coming... ever. Then again, I never really saw cancer coming... so life is just full of surprises, no matter how much your try to enforce a routine or plan upon it. But I'm still going... and I'm happy (though this post may be more somber and serious than usual). And I'm almost done... which I know is a good thing, even if it's also, in some crazy unforeseen way, a scary thing.

New Month, New Attitude, New Man

So May came around... and something about the change of month (and a lot of thinking I've been doing) has really changed my attitude for the better, and I've been loving life a lot more!

On Saturday, despite AWFUL stomach cramps, I had brunch with my friend Josh, his mom (who was visiting from Ohio), and some of our friends. She was full of interesting stories from her colorful (read: extremely liberal) life.

After that I joined my friend Mike in Central Park with his boyfriend Anthony and some of his friends. It was a gorgeous day and felt so good to be outside doing something I always do in the spring and summer. It put me in a great mood, and I didn't let the stomach cramps or anything related to cancer ruin my day!

On Sunday, I decided that I needed a makeover, and it was time to go clothes shopping for the first time in 4 months! This time, it wouldn't be to buy the "chemo sheik" items, but rather to rediscover myself and my attitude. I decided that I needed to stop looking in the mirror and seeing myself as "cancer patient" and start seeing myself as "Ryan" again. I needed to rediscover who "Ryan" is. So I embarked on a spree throughout Soho, picking out pieces that reminded me of who I am and who I will be when this is all over. (Ok, so I splurged on some... it's therapy!)

After my day shopping, I met up with my best friends Mike and Matthew (and their respective significant others) for a great dinner at Agua Dulce, a Brazilian/South Beachy restaurant in Hells Kitchen that I'd never been to before. Again, a dinner like this is an activity I would normally do, and helped me feel "normal" and not "cancer patient"-ish. The restaurant was great, we had a blast, and it really left me on a high.

I felt physically great on Monday and Tuesday at work and managed to achieve some goals that left me feeling accomplished (always a good emotion).

And tonight, I had one of the most AMAZING nights I've had in a long long time! A client of mine, the Director of Sales at the Carlyle Hotel, invited me to be her date for the opening night of Judy Collins' new cabaret show at the hotel. For the first time in months, I got dressed up in suit and went to work (and it felt GREAT!) My "date" wasn't feeling so well this morning when I called her. She told me to find a friend to bring in her place so that I could still attend and enjoy the evening. My friend Natalie came, and we had a blast! Judy Collins has a voice that's effortless, expressive, and haunting. She really told some beautiful stories with her songs! It was an intimate cabaret show (maybe 80 people in the restaurant), and we were surrounded by celebrities like Al Pacino, Candace Bergan, and Betty Buckley (who was super nice and chatty with us). And the food was fantastic (I had the lamb chops, which melted in my mouth). The whole night came off magical (and free!) I walked home from the subway feeling like a million bucks, which is the first time I've felt that way in a long, long time.

I know I have a chemo treatment coming on Friday, and 3 more after that... and I know I'll face more tough days ahead. But with a new attitude and a reconnection to who I am (ok, and some new clothes and a free celebrity filled event), I'm much more confident facing those challenges. It's not just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it's seeing me there too. It's rebuilding my life (maybe a little early) and celebrating it. It's being grateful that after months of bad days, I'm finally having some good ones again!