Ok, It's Been A Long Time

I know it's been a long time since I posted. Have you ever fallen behind on something? Meant to watch those episodes of that TV show that are building up on your DVR, but just never really got around to it? Were really into the flowers you planted in April, but by August you never water them anymore? Haven't gone to the gym in two months, and the thought of going back again seems difficult... so you just keep not going? Yea, that's what happened.

Things have been good actually. We finally found a mix of drugs for pre-medicating that makes the treatments bearable. I haven't vomited, or run a fever, or shook uncontrollably for either of the May treatments... which is a great improvement. But oddly, with the treatments now easier, it feels like something is missing. That's probably because all the medications together cause me to black out for large periods of the treatments weekends... so hence, parts of my memory are actually missing. It's a great thing to not suffer, or to not remember it if you are suffering... but it still leaves an odd void. I think it's why so many people with bipolar disorder choose not to take their meds... there's something about swinging high and low that's preferable and makes you feel more alive than just flat-lining in a sedated haze... as difficult as those swings can be to handle. I never really understood that decision before now. Similarly, some women in labor choose not to take the epidural. Why would you choose to feel the pain when you could be numb and get to the same end?

Don't worry... I'm not going to stop taking the medications anytime soon. I know it's ridiculous to go back to rocking in bed with extreme nausea trying not to vomit... and remembering all the excruciating hours of it.

But just because the treatments have gotten easier doesn't mean the journey has gotten easier. I've become much weaker physically, mentally, and emotionally with each treatment... and that continues. This blog began light hearted and humorous, and I now realize that was my way of coping at that time (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) But I don't really have the energy or the mental state anymore to continue it. I'm in a different place. Not that I've lost my sense of humor/attitude at all... anyone who has hung out with me in the past month knows it's all still there, and that May has been a drastic improvement over April. But I just don't have the original desire to share as much... to dress things up humorously and entertain those who care about and support me... to help them see I'm doing ok during a difficult time. That takes an energy and an outlook I somehow lost along the way.

I only have 2 treatments left... which is awesome and exciting! Time really has flown by! Yet, something weird has happened now that I'm approaching the end. When I was a kid, I would play video games for months and months until I got to the last level/boss/challenge... and then I would stop. My brother always made fun of me for never completing what I'd spent so much time working on. When I wrote papers in college/grad school, I always wrote 90% of them, and then stopped. Once I felt the argument (the meat and potatoes) of it was done, I lost interest. Obviously I needed to turn in a full paper and wanted an A, so I forced myself to finish them completely... but the key there is, I forced myself to do it. The same thing is happening now. I should be thrilled to be so close to the end. Yet, I realized that I've gotten comfortable with the routine of cancer treatments... with the schedule of bouncing back each time... with how people treat me... with my identity as someone on this journey. Believe it or not, it's scary to actually have it end and enter a new unknown... even though that unknown is a healthier, happier lifestyle and exactly what I've been working toward for months. But I know I have to force myself to face the next challenge: the 4 weeks "break" that I get before radiation. No routine... no weakening... but yet still not 100% better or "old Ryan." I don't know who I'll be or what my days will be like. But I know that just like the challenge of the past 5 months, I have to face this one with the same courage and determination. It's odd to call a period of relief after a lot of suffering a "challenge", but it is.

So that's where I am right now... finishing up a phase, but not really good at finishing things... most likely because I'm always scared of the new unknown that comes after. I really don't think I saw this phase of the treatment process coming... ever. Then again, I never really saw cancer coming... so life is just full of surprises, no matter how much your try to enforce a routine or plan upon it. But I'm still going... and I'm happy (though this post may be more somber and serious than usual). And I'm almost done... which I know is a good thing, even if it's also, in some crazy unforeseen way, a scary thing.