Adapting

A lot of the past week and a half for me has been adapting. On the one hand, I'm trying to adapt my expectations of symptoms after the treatment so that if something goes different again, I won't freak out/breakdown. On the opposite end, I've been trying to adapt my mind away from seeing myself as "Ryan The Cancer Patient" and finding more function as a normal individual within society.

I've been working pretty hard on the "it's not a failure if you vomit" mentality, and think I've made some really good progress. I'm just a stubborn person... and if I don't want to vomit, I don't want to vomit. But I won't lie... I'm a bit jittery about this next treatment. I haven't really planned out a lot of the things I normally would (foods, etc.) or done some of the mental prep work (ie. setting expectations and looking ahead). The lack of effort kind of freaks me out. I think I need to find the line between prepared and structured.

My doctor seems to think I had an allergic reaction caused by a protein build up from one of the chemo drugs... which caused the uncontrollable shaking and vomiting last time. So I'm getting some benadryl before the next treatment. He warned it would make me drowsy... and I'm REALLY looking forward to that!!!

On the adapting to life as a person moving past the cancer, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone a little bit in different places. I got my head shaved on Saturday, and the thinning is really noticeable (see first time I shaved left, versus now on right... there's much less shadow and hair density)

My hair looked really thin and splotchy before I shaved my head (my boss called it baby duck hair). But the bald look evens things out. All my life I've wished for thinner hair... and now with my head shaved, I actually look like a person with a normal density of hair who shaved their head! And I kind of like it! So I didn't even put the bandanna back on after the shave. Add a pair of glasses, and I've invented the new Ryan look... I call it "The Stanley Tucci". I haven't worn a hat or bandanna since Saturday. It's really empowering!!! (Though my head does get cold when I walk to the subway!)

The confidence is also extending into social situations. I was at my boss' baby shower on Saturday, and I felt/looked amazing. Though I could have dropped the cancer into any of the conversations I was having, I chose not to. There was something about floating around the room and socializing with everyone as a normal person that felt... well... different, but in a good way. Though the socializing may not have been the wisest decision from a germ point of view... it felt good from a mental point of view. And after the mental breakdown of last week, don't I deserve that boost! I'm even going to my first meeting with a hotel tomorrow since I got sick. When my boss asked me if I was sure I wanted to go, I said "I feel good. I look good. I like the people we're meeting with. Why not!?"

Yes, I know that Friday will come and knock me off my high horse and I'll be miserable again. But I think as long as I keep climbing higher on these "good days", it reminds me of what I'm holding on for. Then again, I hope it's not just a case of higher highs and lower lows. I guess we'll see!