Chemo Makes Cancer Feel Like Cancer

So the big day finally arrived. I was super focused on getting treatment started so that I could feel like I was on the road to healing. (Also given the size of my tumor and the pressure it put upon some major blood vessels and my airway, I wanted this done ASAP). Unfortunately, it seems that I really failed to grasp just exactly what "treatment" would mean and how long the road to recovery would actually "feel".

Friday I went to my oncologist office, and after some blood work and testing for allergies, I got my first treatment. From talking to other people, I thought the treatment consisted of sitting in a big leather recliner for a while and watching TV while the medicine dripped into me through an IV. Though I'm disappointed to have missed the second half of The Price Is Right, getting the injections over in 5 minutes beats hanging around in the chair for a while. Basically, my doctor puts a needle/IV in my port (which yes, I can see now, and is totally creeping me out... pictures to come when I can stomach it!). I didn't feel a thing, which is pretty awesome, especially since that whole area is still tender from surgery. The doctor then injects the 4 different chemo meds through that IV. We were happily chatting to pass the few minutes, until all of a sudden one of them hit me like a brick wall and I was horribly nauseous. We slowed down the injection speed and things subsided a bit. He told me I'd really feel it in the next 2-3 hours and to just rest and drink fluids.

I had some soup for lunch, which was an AWFUL idea. The very thought of that soup, or any soup, makes me nauseous, even as I'm writing this. I think it's now mentally associated with the wave of nausea and overall sickness that came shortly after eating it. My friend Jayde (who works in cancer pharmacy) later told me that she always advises patients to eat something they don't really like right after injections, that way it doesn't ruin a food you loved. Not that I LOVED soup, but I will miss eating it for the next few months as I try to disassociate it from chemo nausea.

As predicted, about 2 hours after the treatment I felt about as sick as I've ever felt in my life. Chemo feels like the worst hang over you've ever had, except you don't have those "last night was awesome" memories to make you smile. It also feels like the worst hang over you've ever had while also having the flu. I slept a decent amount, but was almost afraid of sleeping too much and being awake (and miserable) all night. Oh no, I still slept a good 10-11 hours at night too, so I've learned to just sleep as much as I want... no repercussions.

In addition to the awful nausea, chemo also gives me body aches, extreme fatigue, and headaches. I become SUPER sensitive to light and sound, to the poiint that I spent a few hours both Friday night and Saturday just sitting in a chair in the dark in my room. Any sound (from the TV, my parents talking in the next room, etc) or any light (even the light peeking through the door cracks) gave me an intense migraine! I wound up doing a suduko puzzle by the narrow light of the door, and have discovered that it's a good barometer for my recovery. Friday night, it took me FOREVER to the do the first easy puzzle in the book. However, though I was still sensitive to light and sound on Saturday Saturday, it took me much less time to complete the puzzle. As odd as it sounds, it really made me realize the progress in recovery that I was actually making. Thanks suduko! (and Derek and Beth for sending me the book in a care package!)

Saturday I had to go for a lung function test. Given my nausea, fatigue, etc., I clearly was not in the mood for this. I informed the super energetic nurse giving the test that I'd had chemo the previous day and felt like crap. She still made me blow super hard into the tube and hold my breath for long periods of time. At the end of the exam, I was about ready to pass out, and she felt awful! I had to lay on an exam table in an empty room for a while to recover! Then, of course, came home and napped the rest of the day!

By Sunday, I was feeling somewhat better and not having as successful of naps during the day. My energy had come back and I was able to actually watch TV without getting a massive headache. I'd say that on a scale of 1-10, Friday was a 2, Saturday was a 4, and Sunday was a 6. I only rank Friday as a 2 because I have a feeling the next treatment or two will actually be worse, so I wanted to save the 1 for the really bad stuff! Sunday was also an odd day, as I could begin to feel the lymphnodes actually breaking down in my neck. I had a tough time sleeping that night, as my neck was spasming and readjusting itself to the new "space" being created. Totally creepy! But it does mean reduced swelling and one step closer to being able to breath like normal again!

To be honest, chemo knocked me off my horse and flat onto my ass. I think I had spent so much time focusing on starting the treatment, and not enough actually mentally prepping myself for how sick it would make me. It really brought my positive attitude down a lot, but it's slowly building back up (in time for the next treatment!). The thought of going through this every 2 weeks scares me and makes me wonder how the hell I can continue to endure it. I'm almost traumatized from round one and have between 7 and11 more doses to go. This is going to be a lot harder and take a lot longer that I'd anticipated!

At the moment, the items in the "next time will be better" column include:

1) I won't have just had 2 surgeries that also hurt (but honestly, the chemo hurt so much, I barely noticed that other things hurt!)

2) My lymphnodes and tumor will have shrunk enough that I can sleep flat again instead of having to sit upright. The thought of curling up while laying down is like a dream to me!

3) I won't be afraid to just sleep it all off, rather than thinking that I'd be awake all night.

4) I'll know that it'll pass in a few days and I'll feel better soon.

Items in the "next time will be worse" column include:

1) After the injection, I'll have a new, higher level of chemo in my body (remnants of the old, plus the new). This should make things even worse!

2) Knowing what's coming makes it's harder to deal with than being naive

3) Resigning myself to the idea that I will get horribly sick for 2-3 days every 2 weeks for the next couple of months is a hard, bitter pill that I've been trying to swallow.

As much as going through scans, tests, surgeries, and insurance BS sucked, this is the moment where I'm really needing the spirit boost. I know I have to stay positive and upbeat, but having faced the storm once and knowing this boat has to navigate it numerous more times is super challenging right now. But I intend to use the blog and continue having fun with it as much as I can! Thinking up some contests and challenges to keep this fun for all and make me smile. More on that soon...